Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Had An Actual Adrenaline Rush Commenting On A Blog Tonight

I am a spaz. I know that Bethany has spoken these words regarding herself, but it's possible I'm worse. I was once told by a potential boyfriend that I was the most uptight seventeen year old he'd ever met.

It was just that I was so very aware of being watched and judged. I was just aware of God seeing everything I did or thought or thought of doing. On top of that, I was aware of the significance of my Christian witness to pretty much the entire world. I needed to be above reproach because I wasn't just the uptight girl you had that class with; I was the homeschooled Christian who stood as an ambassador for the entire homeschooling & Christian populations.

You caught the part where I was uptight, right?

Now, to be fair to myself, I did loosen up. I had a pseudo-boyfriend when I was nineteen whom my mother still refers to as my playmate. He was hilarious and fun and completely immature and not qualified to be in a serious relationship. Like, at all. However, being with him helped me -- as they say -- come into myself. I transferred upstate for college, made a bunch of hilarious friends, showed off my mad grammar/ diagramming skillz to whoever would listen, and learned that being myself was still being a pretty good witness.

This is so far off my point I don't know how I'm going to make it.

Right. Self-conscious. 

Huge life story to tell you that I love reading blogs and tweets and statuses but hate commenting. There's a reason for that. You know the verse in Proverbs that says something along the lines of "It's better to keep your mouth shut and be assumed to be a fool than to open it and speak and prove that you are a fool"? Yeaaaaah.

I say foolish things. I speak before thinking quite often, like, eighty percent of the time. What's worse, I think aloud and have been known to say something and then follow it up with, "I didn't even know I felt that way!" I know I'm not a fool, not really, but I'm terrified to be perceived as one based on my foolish blather. Which is what I do. I blather.

So if I follow your blog but don't comment, don't judge too harshly. I read every word you write and probably laugh (if that's what you're going for) or tell whoever will listen on my end how cute you are (if that's your thing); it's just that I'm trying desperately not to leave retarded, ego-centric analyses and/ or anecdotes in your comments.

If I do leave you a comment and it's ego-centric & idiotic, forgive me. I'll try to hold my tongue from now on.


  1. I have a problem where I HAVE to comment. It's pretty much a disease. If you were my friend on facebook, you'd see that I've pretty much commented on every single picture of me on there! It's ridiculous!!!

  2. You know sometimes I want to comment but I can't think of anything to say. So I don't. But if I have something to say I generally do.

    This would be one of those instances where I had nothing to say but spoke anyway. It doesn't happen very often so revel in it. It's all for you. And now I have rambled a sufficient amount and can hit post.